Local mother recruits federal FART agents, states the KRAPP is keeping her mentally agile

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South Bend, IN — In our ongoing series on the corona virus, a local mother reports that in three weeks of quarantining, she and her husband have become “full-fledged KOOKS. We’ve been so focused on Keeping Our Own Kids Sane that we don’t even known what day it is anymore. Is it still March? April? Where are we at?”

The days, she says, are running together, though it’s the KRAPP that keeps her on her toes and mentally agile. “The village people here have just been wild. Kitchen Raids And Pantry Pillaging incidents are at an all-time high. They’re chewin’ us out of house and home, eatin’ everything that isn’t nailed down and can’t crawl away. You fall asleep at your own peril.” And she rubbed her bloodshot eyes.

She tells us that the quarantine has driven her to recruit additional federal FART agents. “With more males in the house, I’m real short on Foul Aroma Retardant Technicians. Until they can get here, I’m thinking about making everyone wear charcoal underwear.” Meanwhile, she’s busy sewing masks, “Not for them. For me!”

She tells us that so far, everyone’s been healthy, “…although I did hear that one of the symptoms is a loss of smell. Scares me a bit because a coupla folks who live here can’t seem to smell a pair of socks moldering under the bed.” She adds, “But let a hot donut drop at the Krispy Kreme, and they smell that just fine. So I doubt that it’s corona.”

She notes that she’s been spending more time in the kitchen. “I feel like Betty Crocker,” she said, “barefoot in the kitchen.” Then she added, “But I’m not pregnant, which, given this quarantine, may not be true for some of my friends. If this had happened in the nineties, I’d put myself on a pedestal so The Mister couldn’t get to me.”

The social distancing has been a real lifesaver, according to the small, loquacious mother. “The kids have learned that they need to stay a good six feet away until Mother has had her coffee. They know not to come between me and my Keurig, either. Put those numbers in your ‘lives saved’ graphic, wouldya?”

When we asked her if she had any encouragement for her fellow Americans, she said, “Hang in there, people. Everything comes to an end. Eat some salad now and then and remember, elastic is our friend!”

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