Dear mother of boys, your ceiling should be their floor

This essay was first published on The Daily BS on July 12, 2025.

Dear mother,

I saw you clearly the other day. You were standing in line behind me at the coffee shop. With you were your two little boys. The smallest one carried a tiny backpack. It was just his size. His older brother wore a bill cap, also his size. They wore their little shorts, and they milled around your legs, eager for treats.

Instantly, I was transported to a thousand other summer days when my own little boys milled around my legs, dressed in tiny shorts. Always eager for treats, they followed me like lemmings to the coffee shop. Oh, those were such happy days.

I do not know you, but ever since I saw you, I’ve been thinking about what I would say if I ever had a chance to talk with you, one mother of boys to another, over coffee while the children played. Perhaps I was thinking of the young mother I used to be and what I wish I had known as I dispensed sugar cookies and wiped the sticky faces of my own quartet. After mulling it over, I’ve drafted a small, but important list. Here it is.

On the front end of this mothering job, think—really think—about what kind of men you want them to be. Then start parenting with that in mind. For instance, do you want them to be independent, confident, productive men? Do you want them tethered to you, dependent on you? Are you raising children or adults? Put bluntly, do you want grown-up toddlers, or do you want actual adults? These are deep questions that merit lengthy consideration.

Truthfully, you are raising the fathers of other children. I didn’t fully understand that when I was in your shoes, but I do now. When I think of the precious souls that will be born one day to my sons, I feel a righteous, fierce, protective instinct arise, the kind that would burn things down should one hair on those heads be harmed. I want them to have the best parents they can possibly have. That’s how much they already matter to me, and they haven’t even started showing up.

The next point may be difficult to hear, but it’s vastly important. It is this—do not tame them. Oh, you will want them to learn manners and etiquette, common courtesies and thoughtfulness, but you should not seek to tame the wild out of your boys.

Boys pull trampolines under maple trees and jump from the dangling branches. I know this. They hunger for adventure and conquest. They constantly try the limits of their strength in ways that their mothers do not.

They wrestle and fight. They wallow and pound. They chase and holler through the house, leaving dirty handprints on walls and wet towels on the floor. The noise can drive you to distraction, shredding your very last nerve. I know this, too.

It is tempting to feminize boys or, as some would say, to domesticate them. That is a mistake. As with everything in life, there are two ditches here. Allow a boy to run completely wild, never correcting or disciplining him, never training him to take responsibility, and you will raise a savage who tramples heedlessly on those around him. Such a reckless, impulsive, undisciplined man is a bully and a danger. This is one ditch.

The other ditch is to train a boy into passivity and blind compliance. Even those who are more sensitive in nature carry an innate desire to provide for and protect their loved ones. You can drive the drive right out of a boy, and there is real peril down that road.

Teaching boys the law of kindness is the answer. The law of kindness, you see, runs parallel to the law of love. It is neither male nor female. It is human.

Raise a kind man of any personality, temperament, or talent, and it will not matter what career or vocation he pursues. He will be temperate in his interactions, taking responsibility for himself and those he loves, doing what is best for others.

Kind men who are ruled by the law of love will be fierce and unwavering in their protection and provision for those they love. Kindness does not mean weakness. Never confuse the two. Dear mother, teach your boys to be kind.

Lastly, do not lean on your sons for your emotional support. That is not their job. Neither should you look to them for your own regulation and self-control. That, too, is not their job. It is yours.

The greatest gift you can give your children, Mother, is to work hard on yourself. By developing and strengthening your own character, pursuing Wisdom as a pearl of great price, you will give your sons what they need to surpass you one day.

Our ceiling should be their floor. We want them to be better parents, better citizens, wiser people, and healthier individuals than we shall ever be. For their own sake and for the sake of those who are coming after, this is our mission and goal.

Enjoy every single minute, young mother in a coffee shop somewhere, for the days are fleeting. You will blink, and those little boys with backpacks and caps will be gone. If you have done your job well, they will return to you as young men, full of character, ferocity, and grace with undying love and respect for their mother. Exactly like the four who return to me.

With love,

Rhonda Schrock
America’s small, caffeinated mom