South Bend, IN – As news of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Nothing Burger broke over the weekend, heads exploded collectively in many newsrooms, mailrooms, classrooms, washrooms, bedrooms, courtrooms, cloakrooms, greenrooms, and Democratic war rooms. Politicians rushed en masse, jockeying for position on the nation’s airwaves to interpret the findings for the electorate. “This is not the end of anything,” spluttered a certain California congresswoman as she hurried along a sidewalk, dodging tents and piles that appeared to be mud, but were, well, different.
“They’ve searched every farmhouse, doghouse, henhouse, outhouse, church house, icehouse, and the White House down to the coat closets,” said Hattie Winchester, a resident of Tupelo, “and they ain’t found nothin’.”
Many Americans expressed relief that the long, grueling investigation had been concluded. “They’ve examined ever’body that ever knew the President,” a patron of Hal’s Diner explained, “down to anyone what even colored with him in kindergarten. It’s time to move offa this monkey business and get on with the people’s business.”
Meanwhile, the country’s small, caffeinated mother called for a National Day of Napping. “A good nap always helps when folks are cranky,” she said. “I’m calling for my fellow citizens to stay home for an entire day. Turn off your television sets, hop in your jammies, and go to sleep. And don’t come back ’til you’re fully rested.” This includes, she stated emphatically, the country’s leaders.
She also extended an offer to President Trump. “If he’d like me to, I’d be happy to set up a milk-and-cookies station on the West Lawn,” she said. “Always helped the little rebels at our house come together after a big dust up. Nothing like a fresh chocolate-chip cookie hot from the oven to calm frazzled nerves.” She is waiting, she said, for his reply.